Embarrassed / Getting over hang ups

I never wanted kids, NEVER! I always said things like 'any woman who wants to put herself through all that just to have a screaming mess at the end must be off her rocker!' This caused some problems as my b/f really wanted to have kids with me. A couple of years ago me and my boyfriend(now hubby) had an accidental pregnancy. Contrary to previous beliefs I realised I could not terminate, no way.

Had a m/c in the end and had to have an ERPC (d&c?) to remove. It was only early on but it was pretty heartbreaking.

After the hormones died away again I went back to same old me: too many hobbies and desires to want to put kids in the mix. Poor DH was upset.

Anyway, about 2 months ago, it's like I had an overnight hormone implant. And now, what do I want? A baby!

BUT I am so embarrassed about it! I feel like its partly because I'm finally accepting being a woman whereas I always feared that part of me before. I can't help worrying that my mum will be disappointed with me. There's no way I could tell them that we're TTC! But I did finally hint to a couple of friends the other day, by which I mean I said that I had changed my mind about the whole kids thing and was even considering the possibility of having one sooner rather than later.


For so long I think I viewed became 'feminine' as weak, but now I know it's not. I also think some of my hang ups about it weren't mine but maybe my mum's as, although she loves us, I think we were a shock (me especially, being the oldest) and I know she wishes she'd done 'more' with her life. If only she could see that she still has the chance!

Anyway....I guess I'm ranting here because I don't know who else to talk to, except DH!