Dont know why Im doing this to myself

My husband and I have been together 8 years im 27 and he is 36. I've hade unplanned pregnancies that all ended my daughter I deliver at almost five months in 2007 loosing her was the hardest!!! this cycle was the first that we've had where we agreed we'd not prevent... I'm so excited no condoms no bc just what ever happens... while he doesn't know I know how to chart cm to make sure we were intimate my fertile week I do and while I've told him I'm not in a major rush to get pregnant I AM... i feel i cant share this with him bc i know how bad he wants kids and I'm afraid I might have problems again (tho the miscarriages were back to back we were told to wait he didn't and I was stressed) I wonder if i can have a full term pregnancy if I can just let go and let God be in control

To want to fill a void for 8 years is so hard and now that their aren't any excuses. I wonder if I will fail.
So here I sit thinking that everything I'm feeling is a pregnancy symptom that if I'm one day late surely Im pregnant but I probably stressed my cycle out of wack I want to be pregnant so bad but right now a tiny piece just wants aunt flo to just come n break my heart so I can get it over with
To get a baby on the first month is a bit much to hope for but surely after all the lost and pain I can have a bit of mercy??????
my friends and family have tons of kids no one I know can relate my mom has five kids two sets of twins I'm a twin my siblings together have 20 kids hence y I chose the name missalone =[